So for every infertile girl out there you know how much this time really stinks. The 2ww is the longest time and its so funny because really two weeks isn't that long. During this time a crazy woman takes over my body, obsessed with every little twinge, analyzing every thing I put into my mouth (or want to put into my mouth), googling that same thing over and over again, So this abnormal girl in the middle of her 2ww is putting together a list of my normal 2ww behaviors. Brace yourself... this is my life.
1. For a week after ovulation I don't move, no vigorous exercise, no sex, no lifting, nothing... Don't wanna jar anything.
2. No caffeine and no alcohol. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love coffee, but I'd give up anything for a baby. And though i have been known to have a beer every once and a while (insert gasps here) really you and your baby don't share a blood line until six weeks. I'm not over doing it in the past 3 months I have had 2 beers. I read on an infertility website "Drink until its pink" meaning the lines on the test. While I don't booze it up all the time it is nice to relax.
3. GOOGLE, its really freakish how one person can google the same thing so many times. Sometimes I even change around the wording to try and get different results, but every time its basically -early pregnancy symptoms- and then I will check every website to see if anything I am experiencing is on that list... crazy because i know them by heart.
4. Subjecting my husband to the most bizarre lines of questioning that any man ever knew. "Honey (i walk into the bathroom while my husband is brushing his teeth, shirt pulled over my head) do my boobs look bigger to you?", "Honey (same situation) do my nipples look darker?","Honey (again the same) what about my veins to the look more prominent?" This month my husbands responded very politely "Yeah, they kind of look like a road map." Instead of being mad I was ecstatic because any google crazed infertile knows that boobs are the first one to know your pregnant most of the time.
5. Underware checking. As disgusting as it sounds and I might be terrifying you all but everytime I use the rest room I check my underware for any signs of anything. Mucous, implantation bleeding, and that every present gift AF.
6. Every twinge is a cause for concern. When your in your 2ww every time you feel anything it is scrutinized. " I think I'm cramping", "maybe its implantation", "what if the opk's were wrong and I'm ovulating now?".
This list was not meant to horrify, but maybe someone out there identifies with me and they don't have the courage or haven't yet found their voice to write about it. All these things that seem so abnormal are such a normal part of our lives it feels really good to write them down.
The really hard part for the 2ww is that so many of the early pregnancy symptoms mirror the symptoms of PMS and when taking fertility drugs these symptoms are often intensified. For example I woke up this morning to find that my boobs have nearly doubled in size (anyone who knows me knows this is a TALL order), my husband said anything before I even asked, and they are so soar... but that is a side effect of Clomid. SO no celebrating just yet.
The good news, The RE at the end of the tunnel.
Tomorrow Pat and I have an appointment to see an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) so for this 2ww wait the end is near. Because Friday is day 27 of my cycle and we still wont know if I'm pregnant, though typically at this point i have some indication, I am undergoing two hcg blood test 24 hours apart to see if my beta-hcg level is rising or falling. Why not just take a pregnancy test? Well because the injections that I use are hcg (human pregnancy hormone) so the test will give a positive result even if I'm not pregnant. And we don't want to go the RE if I am pregnant. So please everyone keep us in your prayers these next 24 hours will be really telling!
Also thanks for everyone's comments. I felt really good after reading them. And to answer one question, I had told the doctor about the bike riding. He encouraged it because my insulin level was high, but not high enough for medication and exercise naturally brings down insulin. So in my case exercise could have helped natural ovulation. But that point was excellent a lot of women struggling with infertility are too thin. Thanks again for the kind words and prayers!