Wednesday, August 4, 2010

A very fine line

Just a quick update: Early this morning Patrick and I headed to the doctor, this is the normal day we get a follicle scan to see how many follicles I have developed. Last month was a major disappointment, I had only developed one follicle... not this month. I gasped with horror as the Ultra-sound technician swirled the wand around and it looked my ovaries have been replaced with a group of balloons! I had 2 follicles over the size of 18, 10 over 16, and 4 more over 15. The ones over 18 will definitely release an egg and the ones over 15 could potentially release one. Needless to say I am a little freaked... So wish us luck and pray for us as we start the next phase. Tonight is the HCG injection (big honking needle in my back) and then Friday morning we are being inseminated again! We have a higher risk of multiples with this cycle, but we'll be so happy with anything! Which brings me to my next point...
Through out this journey there have been several time where I felt it was awkward to talk about infertility. I think that some people don't know what to say to me, some people might be embarrassed, and then there is the select few who doesn't care and will say whatever they want no feelings spared. Well I am here to set the record straight, I cant speak for every infertile out there but I can speak for myself!

Things you should avoid saying to someone who is having problems conceiving:
1. "You're one of those people who is never going to get pregnant because that's all you think about." NOT KIDDING an actual really good friend said this to me. This is unacceptable.
2. "How are you feeling (head nod and drawn out)?" This question does get asked in regards to the medication I'm injecting or the hormones, but always at the end of the cycle when the person asking wants to know if it has worked. Actually I'm feeling fine because once again I'm NOT pregnant! If you wanna ask someone if they are pregnant, at least in my case just come out and ask.
3. "You'll have a baby when God thinks you're ready." This one did not irk me until recently. I believe in his perfect timing and I do not question that a baby is a blessing from God, but you cannot tell me that the girls on Teen Mom were more "ready" to be a mother than me. Do get me wrong I know that Heavenly Father will give me a baby, and I have come to terms with the fact that this will not happen in my timing. The problem I have lies in the word "ready". Rather or not you know it by saying this I feel attacked, that somehow I could be doing something else to be more "ready" or that I'm not being a good enough Christian. If you think all these things haven't crossed my mind then your wrong, its all that goes through my mind.
4. "You wanna know how to get pregnant??? Stop Trying" If I had a nickel for every time someone told me that... I could pay for my IVF! Anyone who has taken any sort of fertility medication knows that it is not always that easy. It is a constant thought and strain on you. Everyday is something else, an injection, an ultrasound, blood work, insemination and in order to keep it all straight you must think about it sometimes. And its true everybody has a cousin, a friend, or a co-worker who "tried for years and then when they quit trying BOOM just like magic they were pregnant" Well I pray that I could be that lucky, however in order for me to ovulate I must take medication which starts the circle all over again.

I know that was a really bitter rant, but sometimes people say the wrong things. People also say the right things, or nothing at all. I understand its a very fine line an most people do not feel comfortable speaking about it. All I am asking is that people put a little thought into what they're saying.
I recently had a friend who I haven't spoken with in years write me an amazing message on facebook and it was the most thoughtful thing that anyone has said to me since I started this journey. I really wanted to share it because I think if anyone reading this blog knows anyone going through this process you should tell them this-

"Hey Cassie! I was just looking around facebook, come up on your page and found your blog! As I was reading I cried and laughed with you! You have made me even more grateful for my little lady. I am so sorry that having a baby is so difficult for you and your husband, but I love the way you all have grown with each other through the process. I have no idea what you are going through, but I do know that you are going to make one of the best moms there ever will be, you already are a mom at heart, putting yourself through everything you are going through! "

I cant tell you how much this meant to me. It was an amazing gift of words and the perfect thing to say to someone dealing with infertility! Every time I read it I tear up. Not everyone facing infertility is the same, but I feel like having kind words and thoughts is way better than any advise. I ask that you please lift Pat and I up in your prayers this month. We are really hoping for a miracle!

Cassie R.

1 comment:

  1. AWWW, Cassie, I just read this and once again you make me cry!!! Love you and thinking good thoughts for you ALWAYS!