Disconnect

The other day my husband and I were watching one of my favorite shows (baby themed of course) Making room for multiples. This show follows people who are pregnant with multiples through the last month of their pregnancy and the first couple months home with the babies. Gotta love TLC programming! Usually the people on this show have undergone IVF in order to become pregnant, however the other day Pat and I were snuggling on the couch watching the show when this really small woman had a HUGE belly started telling her story, We giggled and listened. To my surprise she and her husband had not undergone IVF. They took Femara, Follistim, and had IUI... They same treatment I have been on. I got a huge smile on my face thinking immediately it was a sign. That god was telling me (yelling at me) to stay positive, That this treatment can and will work!
Then it all took a turn for the worse. I was watching as she and her husband were juggling babies, throwing poopie diapers, and parading a troop of volunteers through their house. And then it hit me. THIS COULD WORK. I could be having multiples.
My husband and I met with the doctor before starting this aggressive treatment for a consultation and the doc looked me in the eyes and said "You do realize this greatly increases your chance of multiples, Would you be ok with that?" To which I actually responded "Dr. B at this point I could be pregnant with 10 babies and deliver them all out my nose and be happy!" He laughed and moved on. For any infertile the thought of having multiple babies is really great. You mean I could have two for the price of one...
Until now. While watching this show I saw this wonder woman of a mother bathing one child, making a bottle for another, while carrying the third. Then it really hit me. We could even have one baby and I still wouldn't know what to do with it! This may sound crazy, but somewhere a long the way a disconnect occurred it may have been my self-preservation skills kicking in, who knows, but I had lost the vision of me with a baby. When we first started trying my days were filled with looking at baby furniture on-line, reading what to expect books, and dreaming of nurseries. Some where a long the way I lost that. Now all the focus has been on GETTING pregnant. I haven't in a long time even imagined what it would be like to have a bump, or have a baby shower. All I can visualize is the positive pregnancy test, that's where it stops. While watching this silly half hour show all of those thoughts came flooding back and I was so overwhelmed and I started crying. This could really be it.
Pat and I are smack in the middle of our 2ww and this weekend we are heading north to visit his parents and hopefully take my mind off things. As we have moved forward with this journey the 2ww's have gotten more intense (probably an exact correlation to the increase amount of synthetic hormones I am pumping into my system). With every failed cycle we wait with more anticipation, more hope, and more heart break. However this month I am really positive in a way that I haven't been in a while. I'm letting myself feel it all again and although it scares me I am so proud to report I was laying in bed last night decorating a nursery in my head!
Thank you all for your continued prayers, thoughts, and kind words!

Hoping & Praying

Cassie R.

My Black Thumb...

Has turned GREEN! The clematis on the mail box last year it only grew 6 inches!

My Hydrangea finally bloomed for the first time!

I planted lavender in the back yard and IT GREW! Last year I killed 10 container plants including 2 lavender.

Our Rose bushes finally bloomed!

And my wisteria came back!!!! We up-rooted it from the front yard in early Spring and put it a pot and it just came back, I thought it was long gone! However now when we move we can take it with us!

Our Cherry tree bloomed earlier this Spring and it was Beautiful!



And our flocks bloomed! So pretty!

I am so proud of Patrick and I for really putting in the hard work. We did all the landscaping ourselves at our house to try and save money. Last year we bought all small plants (another way to save money) and this year it is so neat to see them bloom, blossom, mature, and grow!

God Bless,

Cassie R.

Success!

Since I have started this journey in November of 2008 (it makes me wanna cry just writing it) I have had several different views about what success really is. In the infertility sphere success is very clearly defined by a positive pregnancy test and a bouncing baby. For so long I have used this scale to measure my life by. No matter how things are going in my life for the past year and a half I have felt unsuccessful. You have no idea what kinda of stress this brings on a person, counting all sense of accomplishment and self worth on a single thing, and more importantly one that you cannot control. Its not as if were not working hard at it, Ive been having more sex than ever before, taking more medication than ever, watching/restricting my diet, gave up coffee, and praying more than you can imagine. Its just no matter what I do I have to realize this is out of my control.

So after this wake up call I started defining success on my own terms. There are simple wins in the infertility world and these achievements mean success in my book! Here are some pf my simple wins in the last two months both infertility and non related.

1. After months and months of studying and classes this Easter I finally became a full fledged Catholic. SUCCESS!

2. Pat and I have grown in our marriage and this infertility glitch has not torn us apart. Even after he drank out of my pee pee cup! SUCCESS!

3. I was able to share my struggle with infertility with the blog world. Hopefully showing people that it is not just older women struggling and hopefully I have inspired others to be more open with people about their own struggles. SUCCESS

4. I have completely changed my household. I no longer use harsh chemicals to clean, we recycle, buy as much organic as we possibly can. This is gonna be a long term lifestyle change but we are going green! SUCCESS!

5. I got a new vacuum cleaner. Not a huge deal but it has made my life a lot easier.I love it so much! It is the best purchase I have ever ever made! Shark Navigator vacuum you are truly a marvel of engineering, I love you! SUCCESS!

6. I underwent a surgery and came out great. The surgery was a complete success and on a really positive note my mother in law came and stayed a few days after the surgery and our relationship has really grown as a result! SUCCESS!

7. Since the surgery we have undergone a really aggressive hormone therapy with injectable drugs. We have a total of 7 injections this month and they all went smoothly, although I did kinda feel like a pin cushion. We were using the follistim pen which is really cool and you keep your medication inside and change out the needles.(If any of you watch Guliana and Bill its the same thing she was doing) and we injected the medicine straight into my tummy! SUCCESS!

8. We went to the doctor on Saturday and I had 3 huge follicles (they produce eggs) and 2 slightly smaller ones! We could have five babies!! SUCCESS!

9. On Monday morning we were inseminated (IUI) and everything is going great! SUCCESS!

10. At my last trip to the library (which is a success in itself, go green!) I found the most amazing book. The Conception Chronicles. I advise ANYONE going through this process to pick up this book. Its amazing! SUCCESS!

Its all about the simple wins!

God Bless,

Cassie R.

Earth Week Projects!

This year Pat and I really got into the spirit of Earth week/month. I have been doing some reading about greening your home and your yard. Boy do we have a long way to go! But I thought I'd start it off with a couple of projects around the house. The first is this window. There were pictures of Pat and I hanging in the guest bedroom and Pat thought they were kinda creepy and no one wanted to look at them before going to bed. So I found this window at a local antique mall for 13.00!!! We got a hook from home depot with glass knobs (because I am obsessed) and hung it with some wire. The whole project was under 20.00 and we got a recycled piece of wall art!

The next project I am really really in love with. I am ashamed to say it but for the year and 2 months Pat and I have lived here we haven't recycled. No reason other than being lazy and Jasper's system is kind of complicated. But the other problem I was having was where to keep recyclables so my handsome husband built me a bin. Not just any bin but one made from scrap pieces of wood and bead board. We only had to purchase a small piece of lumber, a glass handle, and some chalk board paint. Everything else we had. We just had to put it together!Here's a shot mid-construction. Just a basic box with dividers. but of course I had to cover it in bead board. But it really was all left over from two previous projects! A little paint and that fancy knob and voila! (please don't mind the dog. He sits like that whenever we take out the camera!)

On the inside my husband nailed in some dividers and I painted the bottom of the lid with chalk board paint so I could label the bins. I think this was such a neat project and in the future it could have another purpose! A toy chest, storage bench, or a recycling center! And it is almost all scraps we were going to throw away.

LOVE that handle!

Now i'm off to the library... that's was my third project. Go to the library and get a card! I know it seems silly and old, but #1 Jasper doesn't have a book store so anything you want comes fro amazon and that's a huge carbon foot print for a small book you're going to read once, and #2 it's free! How wonderful!
-In other news Pat and I are starting our follistim injections this evening. (Ill let you all know how that goes) We could really use your prayers this month! So many needles and drugs, but so worth it!

God Bless,

Cassie R.