The other day my husband and I were watching one of my favorite shows (baby themed of course) Making room for multiples. This show follows people who are pregnant with multiples through the last month of their pregnancy and the first couple months home with the babies. Gotta love TLC programming! Usually the people on this show have undergone IVF in order to become pregnant, however the other day Pat and I were snuggling on the couch watching the show when this really small woman had a HUGE belly started telling her story, We giggled and listened. To my surprise she and her husband had not undergone IVF. They took Femara, Follistim, and had IUI... They same treatment I have been on. I got a huge smile on my face thinking immediately it was a sign. That god was telling me (yelling at me) to stay positive, That this treatment can and will work!
Then it all took a turn for the worse. I was watching as she and her husband were juggling babies, throwing poopie diapers, and parading a troop of volunteers through their house. And then it hit me. THIS COULD WORK. I could be having multiples.
My husband and I met with the doctor before starting this aggressive treatment for a consultation and the doc looked me in the eyes and said "You do realize this greatly increases your chance of multiples, Would you be ok with that?" To which I actually responded "Dr. B at this point I could be pregnant with 10 babies and deliver them all out my nose and be happy!" He laughed and moved on. For any infertile the thought of having multiple babies is really great. You mean I could have two for the price of one...
Until now. While watching this show I saw this wonder woman of a mother bathing one child, making a bottle for another, while carrying the third. Then it really hit me. We could even have one baby and I still wouldn't know what to do with it! This may sound crazy, but somewhere a long the way a disconnect occurred it may have been my self-preservation skills kicking in, who knows, but I had lost the vision of me with a baby. When we first started trying my days were filled with looking at baby furniture on-line, reading what to expect books, and dreaming of nurseries. Some where a long the way I lost that. Now all the focus has been on GETTING pregnant. I haven't in a long time even imagined what it would be like to have a bump, or have a baby shower. All I can visualize is the positive pregnancy test, that's where it stops. While watching this silly half hour show all of those thoughts came flooding back and I was so overwhelmed and I started crying. This could really be it.
Pat and I are smack in the middle of our 2ww and this weekend we are heading north to visit his parents and hopefully take my mind off things. As we have moved forward with this journey the 2ww's have gotten more intense (probably an exact correlation to the increase amount of synthetic hormones I am pumping into my system). With every failed cycle we wait with more anticipation, more hope, and more heart break. However this month I am really positive in a way that I haven't been in a while. I'm letting myself feel it all again and although it scares me I am so proud to report I was laying in bed last night decorating a nursery in my head!
Thank you all for your continued prayers, thoughts, and kind words!
Hoping & Praying